This was the last time she saw the seething sky of the dream lands.
Thank you so much.
You've ruined one of the two main questions.
I almost abandoned the story right there. But there was still a second question and its related following questions, so I went ahead with the journey. I'm not sorry I did, as the story continued to have good flavor, but I was no longer quite so invested in it.
As far as the actual writing goes, I'm torn. The adjective flavor was good and the crafting of the world was detailed and evocative. However, the serial comma splicing and the bastardized grammar strayed beyond even what I think of as normal for fantasy writing - or even "conversational" - into plain old run-on sentences. Most places where a colon, a semi-colon, or a solid period would fit correctly and neatly were taken up by yet another comma. And then there were colons which were being used as semi-colons to splice sentences together.
This story could have benefited strongly from a solid, grammarian copy editor.
I give it an A for story building and a C for story telling.
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